Recently we learned about PAWS- Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. The symptoms and effects of PAWS are not overtly noticeable, therefore harder to identify which is why PAWS is rarely understood as the source of our post-addiction struggles, like confusion, losing track of an idea or thought while communicating it, emotional instability and over-reaction, sudden and temporary coordination problems, lack of motivation, etc. We often do not assume PAWS to be affecting us, as we do not notice them like typical withdrawal symptoms. This is because they are nothing like the overt, powerful, and obvious withdrawal symptoms that occur during addiction; the types of ailments we experience through the onset of PAWS are subtle, harder to detect and therefore harder to manage and take preventative actions against. May I suggest that the subtle things in our lives are potentially the most powerful and detrimental obstacles we face in addiction recovery.
When I came clean, and was getting past the initial shock and awe of being independent of opiates for basic comfort and functionality, I began to clearly see the immense negativity in my life. Through a clarity of mind that was previously not present due to the numbing and haziness of the drugs, I was now able to see and feel the negative impacts that simple, seemingly unimportant things were having on my life. My clothing, the images on the shirts I wore, the style of pants and shorts, and the overall look of my clothing was so negative and depressing. Even my hair had to go, thus compelling me to cut my hair and comb it for the first time in years. I began to refrain from listening to my music, as all the CDs that I had loved and cherished for my entire life up unto this point were all evil, intensely negative, and provoking bad thoughts and feelings. The artwork that I had surrounded myself with, whether my tattoos, posters on the wall, the t-shirts as I mentioned already, or any other possession or decorative thing I had in my life was consistently dark, depressing, angry, and negative.
There are two reasons that I was finding the life I had previously built up around myself before and during my drug addiction no longer tenable, no longer in sync with outwardly expressing my internal realities. One, I no longer identify with such negativity. As the way we dress, the music we listen to, and all the individual things that shape our presentation of ourselves to the world, communicates to others about our personality and interests, communicates to ourselves the way we feel and are perceived by others, and I was no longer willing to communicate the same things that I was previously communicating while using drugs and having a careless outlook on life due to the drugs. Secondly, I was now able to feel the full impact that these things were having on me, and no longer desired such influences and things in my life. Our outer reality and the many manifestations of it are direct indications and descriptions of our inner reality.
Now, one who does enjoy and does relate to these specific things that I now reject may disagree with my observations that such things are indeed negative. As the statement that I no longer relate to said things, because I deem them negative is my opinion, aren’t such things subjective? Each individual has their own truth in regard to particular things, therefore, these things are not negative in and of themselves, but rather negative in the sense that they no longer provoke positivity in my life. This is valid, but now we must think on why such things are positive to the individual who enjoys them. I used to like wearing black clothes with images of skulls, death, smoke and fire, offensive language and statements, or drug-related propaganda on printed on them- but why? Well, it represented that which I took interest in. But why was I interested in such things? Because such things gave me pleasure, gave me satisfaction. Drugs made me feel good, enabling me to escape the hell I was living in. The imagery of death, skulls, etc. displayed to others that I was comfortable living in hell, found enjoyment in the others’ displeasure of such things, and that I stood for rebellion and chaos against the domesticated, regulated, consistent and controlled lifestyles of those who disagreed with my style and mentality. I could relate to these things I am now describing, I understood them and identified with the appeal of them. What we wear, what we use in presenting ourselves to the world around us, are things that represent our inner mentality. Inside, I was living in torment, displeasure, ugliness, and death- therefore, these were the things that manifested in my clothing, music, and taste in style and desired influences. When we relate to something, we often set up our surroundings to perpetuate that relation. I identified with suffering, pain, death, negativity, depression, etc. therefore I was surrounding myself with all things conducive and illustrative of that.
I propose that once I had overcome my state of illness, I no longer found peace and solace in these things. I no longer related to them. I now sought peace, happiness, positivity, and consistency. Rather than images of torment and chaos, I now identified with smooth, gentle, inviting images of peace and happiness. I enjoyed clean, consistent imagery, instead of messy, emotional representations of an inner reality that I was no longer experiencing. My taste in clothing changed, music, movies, books, etc. I now found pleasure and enjoyment from a presentation of myself that communicated my inner reality of cleansed and gentle consistency, positivity, inviting, happy, sincerity, and peace. The taste for war and destruction had been washed from my mouth, and I no longer took delight in the suffering and displeasure of others, no longer sought to drag others beneath me as a stepping stone for my escape from hell, just to look back on them and watch the panic-stricken agony as their precious and perfect life frayed and degraded, engulfed in flames. I used to think of how quickly those with seemingly wonderful lives, who were always so cheery and positive would whore themselves out in desperate hopelessness, being brought down to ‘my level’. I suppose this is the way in which those at the bottom of life’s pyramid scheme raise themselves up in their own minds, to reinforce the ill, delusional mentality that they have installed to keep themselves seeking more of the same negativity. After all, when you do not have reasons to use drugs and drop out of life, you seek or create reasons.
I used to ask my mother, who is exactly the person I am describing- always having this bubbly, cheery, un-realistic happiness that propels her evermore through life as if she were unaware of the truth that real life is harsh, unforgiving, hopeless, and agonizing taste of hell- “How are you so pleasant all the time? How do you wake up happy and just get up and face the world with a smile? Why do you never consider getting high?!” I would ask in genuine curiosity as to her secret approach to perfect happiness, as well as to gain insight to why I do seek drugs to endure the norms of life. She said, “I don’t know? I guess I just don’t have anything to complain about?” she would say. Even though she did still have struggles, bad days, negative experiences, traumas, emergencies, etc. I thought that perhaps life had just never cast her into the abyss and leave her for dead as life had done to me…but is that really true? Did life do that to me? Or did I willingly jump into that abyss, and now I regret such a decision, and am angry that I cannot get out so easily as I had entered?…
I realized that the drug addict uses because he/she has reasons to. Whether they are justified or not, whether they are genuine or not, whether they are sufficient or not does not matter, for the addict perceives them as such, therefore relies on drugs as their coping mechanism for enduring the life they find themselves in. The positive, happy-go-luck person is not enduring life, for it is not a struggle, or a burden, but an enjoyable and pleasant experience! My mother had no reason to consider using drugs, for she was already experiencing the bliss and satisfaction she desired from life itself, where I found such satisfaction and bliss in escaping life, through the use of drugs.
Addicts perceive themselves as victims, sentenced to this punishment of living life, when in reality, this is not true, but rather a mere point of view. When we give up and dwell on the perceived injustices, the feelings, emotional reactions, the losses, the failures of life, it does certainly seem miserable…especially when we are experiencing withdrawals every few hours, constantly having to procure money for a fix just to physically function without extreme discomfort and pain. Life for the addict is bad, and just perpetuates into worse and worse states of reality until the life ends, jail intervenes with the continuation of the perpetual drug-induced negativity, or that person finally uses those rare and temporary moments of clarity that occur between highs and lows, where you neither need to use, feel like using, or are sick, and you realize that the core, source, and epicenter of your constant and ever-growing suffering is that damn drug you keep using to suppress the hell you are in to start thinking about your escape from the escapist drug use. The drug is both the poison and the cure, the cause and relief of pain, the source and solution of misery…but using the drug that kills to live and using the poison for the cure will never truly and fully eject you from the cycle.
When I looked at my mother’s life and compared it to mine, I looked at her surroundings, her taste, her interests. I had revealed to me a profound insight. What you put into your mind and life, is what you will get out of it. She did not dress like a angry, depressed drug addict who listens to satanic music and smokes pot all day, but dressed very nice and professional. She listened to Christian music and country music. She doesn’t watch TV. She exercises every day, and interacts with other people most of the time. She eats healthy, and takes care of her responsibilities without a single complaint or grudge when paying her bills on time, gassing up the car, or even having to lose money on a bad deal or emergency situation. I was the opposite; always isolating from others, never talking to other people. I did not dress nicely, and rarely looked in a mirror, combed my hair, or brushed my teeth even. I procrastinated and cursed paying debts and argued paying bills and they were always late if paid at all. I would be so angry and curse God Himself when emergencies or bad things occurred in my life, as if it was a direct and personal attack against my ever obtaining peace or happiness. I had a victim’s mentality, the perspective of a victim. I was always being held down and ruined by this or that, or those people, those things, or if this or that wasn’t happening, I could do well or get ahead…but the truth was, that I and I alone was the reason everything was so bad and negative. This is because of the things I surrounded myself with, and the things of my life that I put into myself. What I put in, I got out. I was putting death metal, the color black, drugs, heroin, pot, screaming and intense music, evil and dark imagery, suffering, depression, and anger into my life, and I for some reason expected to get something good, pleasant, fulfilling, positive out of it? Man, was I foolish! I truly did not understand why my life was producing and experiencing nothing but the things I was surrounded with and filling my life with…wow…talk about blind!
when I looked at my mother’s life and compared it to mine, I looked at her surroundings, her taste, her interests. I had revealed to me a profound insight. What you put into your mind and life, is what you will get out of it. She did not dress like a angry, depressed drug addict who listens to satanic music and smokes pot all day, but dressed very nice and professional. She listened to Christian music and country music. She doesn’t watch TV. She exercises every day, and interacts with other people most of the time. She eats healthy, and takes care of her responsibilities without a single complaint or grudge when paying her bills on time, gassing up the car, or even having to lose money on a bad deal or emergency situation. I was the opposite; always isolating from others, never talking to other people. I did not dress nicely, and rarely looked in a mirror, combed my hair, or brushed my teeth even. I procrastinated and cursed paying debts and argued paying bills and they were always late if paid at all. I would be so angry and curse God Himself when emergencies or bad things occurred in my life, as if it was a direct and personal attack against my ever obtaining peace or happiness. I had a victim’s mentality, the perspective of a victim. I was always being held down and ruined by this or that, or those people, those things, or if this or that wasn’t happening, I could do well or get ahead…but the truth was, that I and I alone was the reason everything was so bad and negative. This is because of the things I surrounded myself with, and the things of my life that I put into myself. What I put in, I got out. I was putting death metal, the color black, drugs, heroin, pot, screaming and intense music, evil and dark imagery, suffering, depression, and anger into my life, and I for some reason expected to get something good, pleasant, fulfilling, positive out of it? Man, was I foolish! I truly did not understand why my life was producing and experiencing nothing but the things I was surrounded with and filling my life with…wow…talk about blind!
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